This installment of the Worthy Project is written by a dear friend who is an incredibly talented writer and also one of the people who helped start this project! Here is “Turning Graves into Gardens” by Brandy Cardwell!
Growing up, my worth was always found in doing what was expected of me. I took a lot of pride in doing the right thing all of the time. I thrived off of the approval of authority.
But living a life of expectations is exhausting and it set me up for failure when one of my best friends passed away in 2014. It was a dark time full of heavy grief that I never fully recovered from. Living up to expectations led me down a really dark path of depression. I remember sitting on the floor of my old apartment, having a panic attack because I had no idea how to handle the failure of being a Christian struggling with depression. The physical weight on my chest was debilitating. I was in a downward spiral and the end was nowhere in sight. I was making commitments that I couldn’t keep, but was really just grasping for anything that would make me feel normal again. I had lost all sense of identity.
I felt like my faith was supposed to be this graceful dance with God. It was supposed to be easy, smooth, and flawless. My faith felt more like a bar fight. Punches were being thrown and I was living in utter chaos.
I grew up believing that Jesus loved me because I followed every rule perfectly and was a good person. I believed Jesus loved me because of my effort. And I couldn’t let Jesus love me during this dark time because I wasn’t holding up my end of the bargain. I felt like I didn’t deserve His love. And that was a really lonely place to be. I was digging my own grave to lie down in and die. I wasn’t good enough. And that is a lie that I have been fighting my whole life.
That’s not such a crazy idea if you were a nominal, legalistic Christian like me. And I was miserable until God began to open my eyes to the true Gospel. I truly learned that Jesus doesn’t love me because of anything I could ever do. I can never meet the expectation of saving myself. Effort is a cheap excuse for grace. And that life will never satisfy me like Jesus can.
I finally started to step into the identity that I was a child of God. I realized I met the only expectation needed to be loved by God: to be created by Him. Living in this identity transformed my life. God said, “I’m not done with you. I still want you. You’re not defined by your failure, you’re defined by me. You’re my daughter and I love you.” He taught me that it doesn’t matter what I’m doing. He cares so much more about me becoming who He made me to be.
God stepped into the grave that I was ready to bury myself in and said, “I’m going to take this place of death and I’m going to cultivate life in it.” And God showed up and cashed in on His promise.
Hear this: God is not scared of your mess. He is not scared of the darkest parts of you. He doesn’t shy away from the hard. He is a God of redemption. He takes our mourning and turns it into dancing. He gives beauty to ashes. He turns our shame into glory. He lies down in our grave and grows a garden. He’s the only one who can.
Your worth will never be found in your effort or success. Your worth will always be found in being a child of the King. The Creator of the universe knows your name and loves you simply because He made you.
He has called me worthy.
He took my grave and turned it into a garden.
And that is something to embrace and celebrate and leverage for His Kingdom.
